Uncertainty

There are so many things as a parent that you question. I wonder if I am potty training the right way. I wonder if I should put him in pre-school or let him stay home with me because he has enough years of school as it is. I wonder if the way I disipline is right or wrong. I have feelings of guilt that we are not going to church and he is not being exposed to religion the way he should be. I wonder if I let him watch too much t.v. I question myself all the time and wonder if I am doing the best I can. Now I wonder how having this baby is going to impact Bryant and how I am going to keep things fair for him. Well now I have a new issue. Things have hit a crossroads with my mother ( read any previous blogs to see some background if you have questions) and she has been asked not to come back to our house. Bryant is too young to understand the negative impact she is having on him. All he knows is that she is his mimi and he loves her. She has basically made it clear that she has no feelings for me her own daughter or my husband that she is only here to see Bryant. She is rude, hateful, and disrespectful here in my own house. Mark has every right to say he works his butt off for this family and there is no reason for her to be here if she is just going to cause stress and drama for us. So Bryant has no means of understanding this. He keeps asking where she is and why he can't see her. I don't know the right way to explain to him whats going on. I am heartbroken for him. He is so sad sometimes and gets tears asking for her. When she is here she has told him not to be nice or share with the new baby. She has taught him that she is a good guy and we are bad guys.She tells him not to let his cousins and friends play with his toys. She has gone as far as trying to turn him against Mark's mother. She is a very unhappy miserable person and wants all those around her to be the same way. I am worrying myself about this so much just because I don't know the impact this may have on him. I remember my mawmaw and all I have is great memories, I love all the times I spent with her and I credit her with most of my raising and shaping me into the person I became. My mother and I have never been very close I was always very close with my daddy's mother. I want Bryant to have someone in his life to influence him and shape him the way she did me. I am stressed that I won't handle this the correct way. So for now I am trying to not mention anything unless he brings it up and say as little as possible. I can only hope that she will wake up one day and want to put down the beer and choose to put family first. I don't know what makes me think this since I am 26 and the beer has been first for 26 years but one can always hope.

Pregnancy Week 28

Well this pregnancy is going by faster than I realized. I go Monday for my sugar test...boo needles are no fun! Then within the next 10 or so weeks my son is going to be here. Mark and I were talking about it today and we realized how we have not prepared like we should. We have nothing bought and so we are gonna have to get on the ball! Mason is very active right now but causing me a lot of discomfort because he is so big already that he is giving me no room to breathe or expand after I eat. We tried going for a walk after dinner tonight to try and help me with digestion. Little things that you seem to take for granted become so apparent when your pregnant. I can't jump on the trsmpoline with Bryant or fit on most things lol. I can't breathe to walk far much less run. I can't sleep on my belly or back. I can't eat as much at a time because then I am miserable for hours...I spend a lot of time being miserab;e by the way! Bryant is being so sweet right now about his baby brother. He tells him goodnight and thinks about him when drinking or eating and at bath time. He has a ton of questions unanswered running through that little head of his. He will make a wonderful big brother I think. I have still got to get the nursery together which sounds easier than it is going to be. It is currently our storage room so there's lots of stuff that is going to have to find a new home! I am a little nervous about trying to go full term with this baby. I went two weeks over with my son because of a fear of being induced. I am not scared this time I just want to have him and know he is healthy. I am more worried about another 9 lb. baby and the pain of having a 9 lb. baby mixed with the stitches. I can't wait til he is here so I can meet him. I have so many questions in my head, I want to see how he will be different from Bryant, his personality, his looks. I'm very ready to meet my new little man!

R.I.P.

Death is very hard for me. I guess this is mainly due to losing my daddy at the age of nine. I then lost my mawmaw who was probably closer to me than my own mother at 18. I don't deal well with death, it is very scary for me and holds so many uncertainties. Tonight I went to the funeral home to show support for Jason a boy I graduated with that lost his 4 month old son. I am beyond heartbroken. I can not imagine losing Bryant, heck I haven't even met Mason yet and I'd lose it if something happened to him. I have been laying in bed for an hour trying to dose off and all I keep thinking about is how scary death is. How permanent, and scary. I am terrified to even imagine losing my babies or my babies growing up without me or Mark. I always felt lost and empty not having my daddy around. I have wondered for so many years what it would have been like to have a daddy to hug me and hold me and see me off to prom or walk me down the isle and I will never know those feelings. I have only the few memories that remain from childhood of what a wonderful and loving man he was. He was by no means perfect but still a wonderful man in my eyes. My heart aches thinking about my boys not knowing their daddy. You see my husband suffered his first heart attack at age 27. This runs in his family and he was putting too much stress on himself by working full time and going to school to better our future. My son woke him up at 4 a.m. and possibly saved his life by doing so. I will never forget the pain and the fear of being told your husband has suffered a heart attack I am going to need you to sign some papers. It was all a bit of a blur but the thought flashed back into my head of the morning we found daddy, that morning will live with me forever! I don't have a good relationship with my mother and may never but the fact that she lost her husband is something I will never understand or comprehend or so I hope I never have to do. I don't know what that did to her to change her I just know she has never been the same. I know you hear about people who pick up and carry on but I am just at a lost as to how you do that. I am having a really hard time feeling ready for the end it is all so scary for me. I DO NOT WATCH MOVIES ABOUT THE END OF THE EARTH, 2012 SCARES THE POO OUT OF ME! I guess I don't feel ready which is my own fualt I need to get right with GOD and be prepared, I need my family to be prepared! It's the whole idea of not being here anymore it makes me sick thus being awake at midnight blogging hoping to make myself sleepy! Different topic might have been better to get my mind off thing huh? I hope that this all helps me to not take my family for granted and I hope for anyone who takes time to read this you do the same. We are not promised tommorrow so kiss your babies and love them with all your heart, and don't argue with your spouses just hug em and tell em you love em!

Where do they learn that?

Okay my son amazes me everyday, in one way or another. He is so sweet and smart and charming. It really opens my eyes when I sit back and listen to him and see the world through the eyes of a two year old. He wakes up every morning with such a cheerful attitude and says wake up mommy, I need my sippy cup full, open your eyes. Then he lays and rubs my arm and hugs and gives me kisses and loves on me for at least thirty minutes before he wants to get up. I just love that time of day with him. It's just like bedtime when he tells us he loves us and good night sweet dreams. He doesn't have a care in the world no bills, no stress but his heart is so full of love and he is constantly learning and growing. He cracks me up with this whole potty training thing, he has discovered peeing off the porch. Now if you are from the south this is probably totally normal, not to say that we havent gotten quite a few laughs out of the neighbors but my son has decided he needs to be completely naked in order to pee. So the routine now goes mommy I'm going to to pee on the porch, and then strips down butt naked to pee on my azaleas! It is hilarious and very cute, as long as this isnt a habit he keeps up for years to come. I am amazed by how smart my son is, I know everyone is the same way about their kids its natural. But like little things, he is 2 and can tell me that an 18 wheeler says Wal-Mart on the side, that's awesome. He knows all his colors, he can count and say the alphabet when he wants to. I am just so proud of him. Enough for now, I am still puny from the virus. More later.

Pregnancy Week 27

So this has been a tough week. Not trying to scare anyone who may be reading this and pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant, but this week has been awful! My pregnancy with Bryant was a walk in the park compared to this one, I'm not sure if that's a sign of what's to come but for my sake I hope not! I started out with tons of swelling, we are talking cankles and marshmellow fingers, followed up with a virus like no other virus. I got sick and have been in bed for two straight days. My husband has been wonderful, he took off work stayed home to watch Bryant and babied me 24-7. I mean literally he was up in the middle of the night trying to make me drink so I wouldn't dehydrate. I am so realizing the hot alabama weather is here and the next two months are gonna be miserable for me...okay it's three but gah I wish it was only two. I can't wait to meet my little man growing inside of me, but the idea of sleeping again...yeah I know that's not gonna happen for a long time! I'm debbie downer today still very weak from all the barfing! More later, gotta try to eat and drink now to get my strength back!

Mommy Issues

First let me start by saying Happy Easter! This week has been hard for me because I get sad that we don't have family to spend holidays with and I let it get me down and out. I love the idea of going to a big family get together, Bryant hunting eggs with all his cousins, all of us women cooking and the guys throwing football. Well this is all a fantasy that I have created in my head. It's just me and Mark and Bryant. Not that that isn't good enough, I guess I am greedy and just want more!I see that there are those of you out there who have this! Mark has the big family, they just...well honestly I guess they are just too lazy and selffish to all get together and do anything, or they know it will in one way or another turn into a huge drama as it always happens with his family. Not trying to bash em but if you know them you understand, give them an hour someone will be into it. Never fails, it's like clock work! So with that said today my mother said Happy Easter and started to tell me how sad it is that there will be no big Easter dinner, so I replied with this is not my fault I have been depressed about it all week, I'd love to have a get together. She proceeds to tell me how it's all my fault that me and her have such a crap relationship. That I as a child betrayed her and caused her to not have feeling for me. This is a very touchy and painful subject as well as very personal and I am a little scared of laying all this out here for you all but I need to get it off my chest and I suppose this may help in some way. My mom and I have always been strained, when my father passed in 1992 it has only gotten worse. She moved another man in our house within less than a year of my father passing and did I mention it was one of his friends. Felt like the ultimate betrayal topped off by the fact that he was one of the worst human beings I have ever known. She and I suffered years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse only to be abandoned as soon as my fathers social security checks ran out and he realized the free ride was over. With out going into too much detail those 7 years were the worst of my life. I am not trying to sound like a cry baby. I know alot of people have to overcome stuff in their lives and yes it has made me smarter, stronger, and an over comer. However, if I could go back and change anything this whole series of events would definitely be rewritten! I may regret that due to the fact that it very well may change who I have become I also think it would probably result in a lot of positive changes and a lot of undue stress in my life. I can truly say with out doubt I have tons of resentment toward my mother for allowing my youth to be so completely screwed up by this man as well as herself. I have alot of anger toward him and her and I don't know how to let it go. I would like to say I have moved on but in a lot of ways I haven't. The events that occurred in those years have permanently scarred and changed me forever. I really don't know that my mother and I will ever have a relationship. I hate that but it is fact. I work hard to make sure Bryant and I are super close and I hope I don't over do it in hopes of achieving a great relationship with him. I don't know that I will ever forgive my mother, i think the fact that she shows very little regret for those years along with the fact that she blames me for her problems when I was only a child, keeps this a little bit of an open wound! I get very resentful and angry that a man was put before me. This is a touchy subject for me when I see others doing it today because my heart goes out to the children of divorce or death, if you start to date it hard not to get wrapped up in that person. I think it is just so important to remember the children, it can be something they live with forever that can scar and change them permanently. I guess my idea of normal is a fantasy and part of why I am a t.v. addict. I get some warped sense of what family is from the television shows. But it gives me hope and desire to achieve that in my own life eventually. I am in no way trying to wish life away,I want to learn to appreciate life and live it to the fullest. I am blessed to have a healthy happy smart little boy and another on the way. I just have to try to put the past behind me and learn from my mothers mistakes. I have been told by several friends I am not my mother and I know that's true but I also know I am part of her and I worry so much about her traits coming out in me. I know that's part of the reason as soon as my hair gets a little red in it I am running for the drug store for dye because I hate for anyone to say you look just like your mother. Enough complaining for now I guess. It is Easter and I have eggs to dye! Happy Holidays to all of you. Love and cherish your families, and if you have a great relationship with your mom, call her and tell her thank you. Then thank God for it and pray for those of us out there who don't!!!!!!!!

Pregnancy Week 26

So 26 weeks doesn't sound like long in the grand scheme of things considering I went 42 with Bryant. I am so swollen today, fingers, toes, legs, you name it! I am pretty miserable today. My back is hurting so bad! I dont mean to be a cry baby. I am so lucky that God is giving me the chance to bring life into this world and I am so blessed, I am just so uncomfortable right now it is hard to be positive. It's 80 outside and beautiful and I want nothing more than to be outside playing but I am sitting in the house with my feet elevated trying to get the swelling down so I don't end up in the hospital! Bryant is the most amazing kid, he is so smart and funny and sweet. I told him mommy doesn't feel good and he said mommy I will hold your hand when you get a shot at the doc doc just be a big girl. He then gave me a kiss and said I love you mommy I will go to the doc doc with you and brother. I am going for now too swollen and miserable to type. Wish me luck!