Saturday, April 3, 2010
First let me start by saying Happy Easter! This week has been hard for me because I get sad that we don't have family to spend holidays with and I let it get me down and out. I love the idea of going to a big family get together, Bryant hunting eggs with all his cousins, all of us women cooking and the guys throwing football. Well this is all a fantasy that I have created in my head. It's just me and Mark and Bryant. Not that that isn't good enough, I guess I am greedy and just want more!I see that there are those of you out there who have this! Mark has the big family, they just...well honestly I guess they are just too lazy and selffish to all get together and do anything, or they know it will in one way or another turn into a huge drama as it always happens with his family. Not trying to bash em but if you know them you understand, give them an hour someone will be into it. Never fails, it's like clock work! So with that said today my mother said Happy Easter and started to tell me how sad it is that there will be no big Easter dinner, so I replied with this is not my fault I have been depressed about it all week, I'd love to have a get together. She proceeds to tell me how it's all my fault that me and her have such a crap relationship. That I as a child betrayed her and caused her to not have feeling for me. This is a very touchy and painful subject as well as very personal and I am a little scared of laying all this out here for you all but I need to get it off my chest and I suppose this may help in some way. My mom and I have always been strained, when my father passed in 1992 it has only gotten worse. She moved another man in our house within less than a year of my father passing and did I mention it was one of his friends. Felt like the ultimate betrayal topped off by the fact that he was one of the worst human beings I have ever known. She and I suffered years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse only to be abandoned as soon as my fathers social security checks ran out and he realized the free ride was over. With out going into too much detail those 7 years were the worst of my life. I am not trying to sound like a cry baby. I know alot of people have to overcome stuff in their lives and yes it has made me smarter, stronger, and an over comer. However, if I could go back and change anything this whole series of events would definitely be rewritten! I may regret that due to the fact that it very well may change who I have become I also think it would probably result in a lot of positive changes and a lot of undue stress in my life. I can truly say with out doubt I have tons of resentment toward my mother for allowing my youth to be so completely screwed up by this man as well as herself. I have alot of anger toward him and her and I don't know how to let it go. I would like to say I have moved on but in a lot of ways I haven't. The events that occurred in those years have permanently scarred and changed me forever. I really don't know that my mother and I will ever have a relationship. I hate that but it is fact. I work hard to make sure Bryant and I are super close and I hope I don't over do it in hopes of achieving a great relationship with him. I don't know that I will ever forgive my mother, i think the fact that she shows very little regret for those years along with the fact that she blames me for her problems when I was only a child, keeps this a little bit of an open wound! I get very resentful and angry that a man was put before me. This is a touchy subject for me when I see others doing it today because my heart goes out to the children of divorce or death, if you start to date it hard not to get wrapped up in that person. I think it is just so important to remember the children, it can be something they live with forever that can scar and change them permanently. I guess my idea of normal is a fantasy and part of why I am a t.v. addict. I get some warped sense of what family is from the television shows. But it gives me hope and desire to achieve that in my own life eventually. I am in no way trying to wish life away,I want to learn to appreciate life and live it to the fullest. I am blessed to have a healthy happy smart little boy and another on the way. I just have to try to put the past behind me and learn from my mothers mistakes. I have been told by several friends I am not my mother and I know that's true but I also know I am part of her and I worry so much about her traits coming out in me. I know that's part of the reason as soon as my hair gets a little red in it I am running for the drug store for dye because I hate for anyone to say you look just like your mother. Enough complaining for now I guess. It is Easter and I have eggs to dye! Happy Holidays to all of you. Love and cherish your families, and if you have a great relationship with your mom, call her and tell her thank you. Then thank God for it and pray for those of us out there who don't!!!!!!!!