Thursday, April 8, 2010
Death is very hard for me. I guess this is mainly due to losing my daddy at the age of nine. I then lost my mawmaw who was probably closer to me than my own mother at 18. I don't deal well with death, it is very scary for me and holds so many uncertainties. Tonight I went to the funeral home to show support for Jason a boy I graduated with that lost his 4 month old son. I am beyond heartbroken. I can not imagine losing Bryant, heck I haven't even met Mason yet and I'd lose it if something happened to him. I have been laying in bed for an hour trying to dose off and all I keep thinking about is how scary death is. How permanent, and scary. I am terrified to even imagine losing my babies or my babies growing up without me or Mark. I always felt lost and empty not having my daddy around. I have wondered for so many years what it would have been like to have a daddy to hug me and hold me and see me off to prom or walk me down the isle and I will never know those feelings. I have only the few memories that remain from childhood of what a wonderful and loving man he was. He was by no means perfect but still a wonderful man in my eyes. My heart aches thinking about my boys not knowing their daddy. You see my husband suffered his first heart attack at age 27. This runs in his family and he was putting too much stress on himself by working full time and going to school to better our future. My son woke him up at 4 a.m. and possibly saved his life by doing so. I will never forget the pain and the fear of being told your husband has suffered a heart attack I am going to need you to sign some papers. It was all a bit of a blur but the thought flashed back into my head of the morning we found daddy, that morning will live with me forever! I don't have a good relationship with my mother and may never but the fact that she lost her husband is something I will never understand or comprehend or so I hope I never have to do. I don't know what that did to her to change her I just know she has never been the same. I know you hear about people who pick up and carry on but I am just at a lost as to how you do that. I am having a really hard time feeling ready for the end it is all so scary for me. I DO NOT WATCH MOVIES ABOUT THE END OF THE EARTH, 2012 SCARES THE POO OUT OF ME! I guess I don't feel ready which is my own fualt I need to get right with GOD and be prepared, I need my family to be prepared! It's the whole idea of not being here anymore it makes me sick thus being awake at midnight blogging hoping to make myself sleepy! Different topic might have been better to get my mind off thing huh? I hope that this all helps me to not take my family for granted and I hope for anyone who takes time to read this you do the same. We are not promised tommorrow so kiss your babies and love them with all your heart, and don't argue with your spouses just hug em and tell em you love em!