How would you remember me?

You ever have those days where your left sitting deep in thought but yet your mind is racing and you can't collect your thoughts? Wait did that make any sense? Well I have had some deep thoughts recently about life, my children, my family, and friends! I came to the conclusion that I was going to do some inventory of things in my life. My thoughts on this are this...you can't have too much of some things but can have a stock pile of crap that you need to get rid of! So you can't have too much love, fun, family time, good health, or hopes and dreams. However you can always stand to shed some drama, hate, judgements, and anger. If your like me you can spend a lot of time holding on to anger and resentment it will eat at you if you let it. I thought to myself if I spent those minutes doing something productive or praying, instead of sitting and brewing over hurt feelings or anger toward someone who had done me wrong. I have had an eye opening week. Life is sometimes so short, a girl I went to school with was pregnant and lost her life leaving behind a tiny little 3 lb baby. It is such a tragedy that it makes this little tiff I had seem so petty!

People come into your life for a reason. Sometimes they are there forever and sometimes I think they are meant to teach you a life lesson and then you move on. I know that growing up I was an only child and always very lonely. I turn to my friends as if they are family and lean on them for love and support. I have some terrific friends that I love dearly! I have learned that everyone is different, we all have different opinions and reasons behind our decisions in life. I think we are quick to judge others thinking that our way is the "RIGHT" way, but if you really sit back and think, if everyone did everything the same way and thought the same way how boring would life be?? I am very lucky that my husband and I have the same goals and have gone through these struggles together. We have sat down and realized we are at a point in our lives where we aren't kids anymore we have kids so now is the time to make changes! WE have to start saving for our future and getting involved in our community and in charity events. We need to be in church and active in staying healthy. My husband tells me all the time to stop caring what other people think. Their opinions don't matter and don't pay our bills lol!

I also have sat and thought a lot about what if it had been me that died? How would I be remembered? Would you remember me for my blog? Would you remember me for being a gossip or selfish? I know these are not things I'm proud of, I'm not perfect and VERY aware of that fact, but I wonder, what would people remember about me? I am very troubled thinking about the answers I might get so...no one can fix this but me! I will make an effort from this day forward to keep my opinions to myself, to not judge others, to not sit and gossip, and to have my priorities straight! I will fail many times but I will make an effort and work on my faults. I will also try to be more productive and do something that matters. My first project, I am going to do a 5k in honor of Kyle, a very good friend of mine that was killing in action over seas! Wish me luck!

Words Hurt

We all start out as little kids being told don't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say! Well I am here to say the same rings true at 5 and 55! Words hurt! I have been through the ringer with my mother and my step dad as a teen growing up. I have been called every name in the book and you would think I would have developed a thick skin but that's not the case. Words hurt. They can be more painful than punching you in the face. And sometimes they can make you want to punch someone in the face. I learn lessons the hard way, I always have. My husband and I are just fresh out of bankruptcy, that is something very personal that I am putting out there for the world to see! I am not proud of it but I am a firm believer that you live and you learn! Some of our financial problems were our own fault! I own that! Some however were not. My husband had hospital bills that were not his doing an ambulance was called and he had no choice and no insurance, did I mention he was a senior in high school but an adult in Alabama! So he got stuck with the bills and of course didn't have the money to fight it. After they started garnishing his wages we fell behind and couldn't catch up! Yeah we are not perfect, we have made dumb decisions  and not always had our priorities straight but I think that's part of being young and not having responsibilities. Once you have done all these dumb things and dug yourself a hole it is really tough to get back out! I am not proud of these things but willing to own my mistakes and accept them!

Now when someone who knows these very personal things about you goes and throws it in your face and takes digs at you, it hurts! When your friends with someone I suppose there are different levels of friendship and sometimes you can make bad choices with friendship! Once someone burns you, I mean really burns you its probably a good idea to cut ties and move on! The old saying there are more fish in the sea applies to friendships also!People come into our lives for a reason and sometimes they are there to stay forever and some are there only to teach you a lesson and then they have played their part and will move on! I am growing and changing as a person everyday! I learn and grow and try to change and do better every single day! I am currently trying to make better financial decisions and get my life in order with God. These are two of the most important things to me right now! I'm not perfect and have never claimed to be! I think something like this happening is a wake up call! Being hurt by someone is suppose to be family is more painful than just being a friend. I am not a teenager anymore, I am a grown adult woman who is also a wife and a mother. Those are my priorities in life now! I don't work because I choose to raise my children at home! There are several reasons behind this..one a big ONE is I can't afford daycare, why would I work to pay someone to raise my children? Now if I were making good money and there were money left over after day care I would work to help my life easier for my family! Not working is hard, we suffer money wise alot more and my husband lives at his job killing himself working twelve hour days for days at a time with no off days for weeks sometimes. Am I looking for sympathy not at all just stating a fact! It is a personal choice. I feel like yeah we may have to be tighter with money for me to stay home but my babies are only babies for a short while and I am loving getting to raise them and bond with them! These are times I will always cherish! Now with that said to each his own. I have been called selfish for staying home with my children when I could work and make life easier, really? Would my life be easier if I worked a 40 hour a week job and had 100$ left over after daycare? O and someone else raised my child that week. Anyway with out trying to harp and gripe. I am just trying to make a point that everyone has their own reasons for everything and the man up stairs is the ONLY persons opinion who matters! I try to be a people pleaser alot of times and not hurt people. I have grown up alot since I had kids and I am realizing whats important to me. Some people matter and some you should just LET EM GO! So I am going to try to practice what I preach. I am not going to stoop to the high school level instead I am going to sit and blog about it and realize some people may read this and agree and others may think I'm nuts. For that matter no one may read this at all which is fine too! I need to get things off my chest and this is my outlet! If you have some words of encouragement or wanna tell me what you think feel free! I am always open to opinions, you know what they say about opinions!

My O My

My son Bryant is 3 and I mean he is something else! He has this imagination that will blow your mind. I thought I'd take this peaceful evening to share a few stories about him and his little stunts while he and his little brother lay here sleeping kinda early for them!

Lets start by saying if you know my son then your used to seeing him like this, if not, yes he does own pants and shoes but he chooses not to wear them most of the time! Bryant has formed an obsession with Santa Claus as well as westerns. Now we are talking about a three year old sitting and watching Lonesome Dove, John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Bonanza, and of course The Santa Clause 1, 2, and 3! He has such a vivid imagination, when he tells you stories he stammers over his words trying to let his mouth catch up with his brain! He sits and talks about Santa A LOT! We pass by houses and he says look mommy they have a chimney for Santa but no weather vein for John Wayne's hat ( if you have ever seen McClintock this will make more sense). So Bryant tells these elaborate stories about snakes and guns and hats and horses. So a couple weeks ago he says to my next door neighbor, when I was a kid I was riding my dirt bike and I fell off and broke my leg and had to go to the hospital but it was OK I got over it! Where he comes up with these stories is beyond me! His wheels never stop turning!

This is from like a year ago so no my 3 year old isn't still in diapers just in case your wondering!

 So tonight my husband was running to the store and shut the door as he went to leave, Bryant runs over to me crying and says mommy please open that door I have to tell daddy something. I open the door and stop my husband in the driveway. Bryant yells out I love you watch out for cars, traffic is a 5 be careful. I busted out laughing and hugged him up at the same time. He was thinking of his daddies safety, who knew a 3 year old thought that way? Tonight while grocery shopping he sang his ABC's and at the end clapped and said way to go Bryant your so smart. He is just so observant and caring. He is always saying things like mommy your my best friend and my angel and I love you 5. 5 is alot in case I didn't mention that earlier.

He recently got all his play guns taken away because the obsession with westerns had gotten way out of hand and I hit a breaking point. One day while cleaning the kitchen he came running in on his stick horse of course with his hat and holster and spurs on his cowboy boots keep in mind for your mental pic here he is only wearing undies and all these accessories. He yells at me that he is going to blow my brains out, well I flipped my lid took every little toy gun away and put them up very very high and gave him a very long talking to! Well the other day he was asked by a family friend where are your guns and he said mommy took them away I hurt her feelings and was ugly but I'm gonna get them back soon. Later that day I was giving him a bath and he looked at me very serious and said... mommy what do I need to do to get those guns back I sure do miss them! Well he hasn't gotten them back but I think I am about to give in very soon because he seems so empty without his western wear. There are gonna be some stricter rules and more discussions about how back in those days things were alot different but that baby loves those westerns more than any cartoon!

This is him winning at a birthday party, let me say all the other 15 kids are busy jumping in the bounce house we are all in a panic looking for my son everywhere. He was found climbing out of this, I screamed oh Bryant where were you, he very calmly said right here winning these games mommy.

I am always amazed by him he is so smart and so sweet. He threw up while play fighting with his daddy and he was sitting in the tub getting scrubbed down and he looked up so sweet and said mommy I didn't mean to throw up on your bed I'm sorry! He melts me! I wanna be so mad sometimes but then he smiles and I remember how fast that baby is growing up and I have to work extra hard to punish him! I am wrapped around his little finger! Now with that said sometimes I feel like all I do is yell at him to stop!, don't do that, quit touching your brother, please stop screaming, omg where did all that water come from, but he is such a blessing, I love that baby! Now I have to go sleep cause he will have me up...way to early!

Mom Jeans

Ok so if you have kids and ended up with this strange body that your not sure is yours then I am right there with you. Things are not the same as they used to be! There are things that need to be hidden or disguised that just aren't so pretty like they used to be. Well I follow a blog that I love, Mommy Wants Freebies. She is always doing give aways and I came across some "mom" jeans. They claim to make you look 10 lbs slimmer in 10 seconds. I of course joined the fun of trying to win the giveaway so I am going to give you a link so you can too! http://www.mommywantsfreebies.com/2010/09/my-new-favorite-jeans-miraclebody.html So go try for your free pair!

Mommy Wants Freebies: My new favorite jeans - MiracleBody! Review and Giveaway!

Mommy Wants Freebies: My new favorite jeans - MiracleBody! Review and Giveaway!

What do you want to do before you die?

Sorry it has been a little while since I have written but things can get insane with a three year old and three month old! I was sitting here watching this show on MTV and they ask the question What do you want to do before you die?  So I was sitting here pondering what do I want to do? Life is short and you should live everyday to its fullest something I really need to start doing! So here is my list of what I'd like to do before I die.

I want to see these two little boys grow up and live life to its fullest!

I want to visit L.A. as well as NYC and Italy!

I want to finish college!

I want to finally be happy with myself and gain some sort of self esteem and confidence!

I want to design and help build a house for my family to grow up in!

I want to feel like I have made a difference, been a great mother and wife, and wonderful friend.

I want to LIVE!

Now it's your turn, tell me what you want to do!

Teen Mom Makes Me SICK!

I am going to devote an entire blog to the discussion of the MTV show Teen Mom. Let's first start this by saying birthing a child does not make you a mother! It takes ALOT more than just the act of having the child.

Let's start with Amber simply because she pisses me off more than any of the others! She is a total piece! The way she talks to Gary and Leah is disgusting! She is like a bi polar selfish witch! I have never in my life seen someone talk that way in front of a baby or to a baby. Gary needs to man up and slap her across the face. NO ONE will ever talk to my children or in front of my children the way she does. I don't want to say it is okay for a man to hit a woman but she is not a woman she is a b**ch! I am so appalled by the fact that the authorities have not gone in and taken that child! She is hateful and a poor excuse for a role model!

Farrah, selfish, spoiled and snobby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Catelynn did the best thing for her baby, her momma is such a piece of junk, again she is just like Amber!

Maci actually cares about Bentley! I hope she isn't jumping the gun by moving to Nashville!

Sorry to cut this short, had lots more to say! Just found out about a recall on baby formula and I have to find out if its ok for mason to have his!

What's got you excited?

So I get very excited for the new fall line up! All the best shows are coming back on! I am very excited that's why your getting so many !!!! points lol! I can't wait for Grey's and Private Practice. So let me know what your favorites are! Maybe there's a show I don't watch that I should be. I added a little poll on here so you can vote for your fav!

I have been out of the loop this week, I had some medical issues and my honey had to stay home with me and the boys I was put on bed rest which is no fun. I did enjoy getting to sleep late and take naps it was great but now I am spoiled and Mark goes back to work tomm! I have a birthday coming up and kinda ruined my surprise cause I checked a txt msg not meant for me...oops! I guess I am getting to go out to eat somewhere good friday night but now I will stress all week he has no idea what he has done by making these plans. Now I will freak out over nothing to wear, need to book a last minute hair cut, sit and obsess over my weight and how fat I will look next to all my gorgeous friends that got invited.

My boys are my world, and have this insane way of making my smile no matter what is going on! I don't care how bad I feel Bryant can act silly or be sweet and it just melts me. Masons just now getting a personality and there is no better feeling than seeing that baby smile! I am a very lucky lady to have these amazing children. I thank God for them everyday and I only hope I can be the kind of mommy they deserve!

The diet is not going so well this week with all the laying in bed and no running or walking. I feel like a huge fatty, I have eaten okay but I cheated on my diet alot more than usual and ate ice cream!!! I know I know I will never fit into a great pair of jeans again if I dont get back into my weight loss state of mind but gosh it is much tastier to have ice cream and pasta! Ahhh well back to the diet starting tomm!

Monday Blues

I have had the blues today, I guess part of the whole hormones thing still going on. I will admit I am a t.v. junkie always have been, I was only child and I live in the smallest town ever so it is my window to the world. It's how I see how the other half live lol! So I watch Keeping up with the Kardashians, I think this is unhealthy for me! I get jealous at the vast amounts of money they have to spend, and I mean here's the thing about em, now don't get me wrong I think Khloe and I would be BFF's, but they are not singers, actresses, or anything, they are just simply famous. Which ok mad props to them I am a bit jealous. They spend money like water, travel like crazy, shop til they drop, have their hair and makeup done perfectly by others all the time and have every endorsement you can imagine! So I sit and dream of this type of lifestyle, I'd love to be able to shop and pampered like they are. Well the problem is it almost makes me sad, which is sad that I am jealous to the point of being sad. I mean I just would love that life for myself and my family. We have to clip coupons and budget and plan for everything from haircuts, to dinner out and you can forget vacations since I am not working. I mean we only have one car! So after sitting and watching and getting so upset I felt guilty. All I can think about is how I wish I had their looks and money and homes and cars. Well I need to be thankful for what I have! So I am attempting to put those thoughts aside and be glad for the gifts God has given me! Mark gets on to me all the time for caring what other people think so I am going to work on that. I am going to thank God for my babies and family and try to be a better friend, mother and wife! I will try to be less selfish and caught up in my own little world and think of others! I will start working on my crafts and try to sell them and hopefully find some more houses to clean on the side and be thankful for what I have!

Great Weekend!

So Friday was my 5 year wedding anniversary and my sweet husband took me to eat at my favorite restaurant, Bone Fish Grill! It was wonderful but I'm thinking the loaf of fresh baked bread I ate did nothing for my weight loss! I did eat fish and salad though so that's good I think. Well I called my Dr on Friday to see about getting diet pills, I guess that's technically cheating but if you knew how bad I want to fit into my old clothes you'd understand. Well turns out he is not into diet pills, says they are a big no no! So now I have to go in for blood work because he thinks it is strange I still weigh today what I did the day I had Mason. I'm hoping it is something simple and the weight can start to fall off like ASAP! So Friday night was suppose to be my cheat night but then Saturday was football and we had people coming over which meant chicken wings, chicken cheese ball, chips and dip, etc. Well I did okay but felt kinda guilty after. Well no weight loss and no inches lost so maybe soon! Keeping my fingers crossed.


Friday Bryant had his first dentist appointment, he did really good and had lots of stories to tell and was so excited! Then we had a great dinner out for our 5 year anniversary. It felt so nice to be out with no kids and no diapers or bottles or anyone to take care of but myself. Then the Tide Rolled right over Penn State Saturday night, it was a good game spent with good friends and family! Overall had a great weekend with Mark being home with me and the boys. Now on the flip side I believe I am suffering from post pardum depression because my emotions are all over the place. I cry at the drop of a hat and am on edge and like so ill it is insane. I seriously feel like I am loosing it. I keep wanting to snap on people and cry like way more than ever before. I am really hoping this will soon pass because it is horrible! Masons waking up for another bottle getting ready for nighty night!

Day 2 of the weight loss challenge!

OK so day two is down and I did OK! I ran a mile, and walked 2! I ate baked chicken and broc and a salad for dinner and had water. I also had Raisin Bran crunch this morning with 2% milk. I kept telling myself to keep going while I was running because I wanted to quit so bad and it was so painful but I want the end result so bad! So we will hope that I stay strong and keep eating fruit for snacks instead of cakes or cookies! Wish me luck!

                  Mason's got it so rough! He is very stressed from all his love Bryant is giving him!

On another note my son is being such a nut today! Bryant is so funny! He kept wiping my kisses off earlier and then actually got up to the sink and washed his lips and said they are dirty and so I said, O you think mommies kisses are dirty, he said no mommy my face is dirty. So he washed his face and then I kissed him again and he washed it again and I said I thought my kisses weren't dirty he said they aren't but now my face keep getting dirty! So then he eventually let me kiss him without wiping it off for like 5 seconds then he said OK I'm done with this! He is so smart! He answered the phone tonight and said who is it? Who is this? What is your name? What do you want? O I don't want to talk to you and threw the phone! Guess phone manners are the next thing to work on!

Mason is smiling and laughing now and getting a personality, I am so excited! I am very blessed to have these boys and I am so happy with where I am in life! I may not have finished all the things in life I thought I would have, no college degree or fancy job, but being a mommy tops that any day! I love my babies and my hubby! It's hard to believe that I have been married 5 years this week and have 2 beautiful boys! I am trying to be the best mommy I can be and teach these boys to be great men one day. Enough for now I hear a baby waking up!

Fatty Patty isn't my nickname for nothing

So I've had this idea, I am now 10 weeks post pardum and struggling so bad to loose weight. Now let's be honest, I will never look like I did at 21. I will probably never wear those size 3 jeans hanging in my closet again. I am very depressed about my body right now and I need to be held accountable for my actions and eating. So I figure if I go public with my weight loss journey then maybe there will be a reason for me to stick to it better! I will start off with a before pic:

OK so there will be no public photo of me in a bathing suit or any other brave move on my part to show you what we're working with. This is all your getting. Well maybe I should show you a post baby pic...but just one:                                             

Well here's my delima, I can't wear any of my pre baby clothes, I can't stand how I look naked and I pretty much feel uncomfortable in my own skin! So as of right now I am wearing maternity clothes and it is getting old quick. I have purchased a girdle and it sucks. It is so uncomfortable and the shrink wrap well it just makes me sweat and I think people can hear me when I move! So I have come to the conclusion I will not be happy until I can wear my clothes without anything under them holding in my muffin top. Let's be clear this is no small weight watchers muffin, this is like the all you can eat muffin from fatty mcfats lol! I am now in a size 12 jeans, gulp, just threw up in my mouth a little! I am not a big fan of labeling my size, I don't really care what size my clothes are as long as I feel comfortable in them and look good in them. So when I pour myself into a size 12 and there are leftovers with nowhere to go except muffin status well there must be change!

Today is the day! No more waiting for tomm.

Nothing tastes as good as looking thin feels!

(stolen from a possible genius..minus her football preference Jenn M. I heart u!)

My goals:

• To fit into a pair of jeans that is not a double digit!
• To wave and not have my arm still waving after I'm done!
• To be able to take a shower with the lights on and not be frightened by what I see!
• To not have to wrap anything up to wear my clothes normally!

For about 2 weeks now I have been walking everyday and have seen no results so now the diet has to change! Diet changes for now are:

• Drink more water
• Eat lots of greens
• NO WHITE BREAD OR PASTA
• No sweets ( not excited about this one)

I guess we will see how this week goes and I will post updates on this next week.

~Fatty Patty

Lessons Learned

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Wednesday! I have been saying for a while I was going to learn how to sew. My maw maw was an amazing seamstress! She always made a quilt when ever a baby was born and I used to sit and play around with her while she sewed but being so young I didn't actually learn and pay attention like I wish I had! Now my maw maw Charlie has gone on to a better place and I am left to learn on my own. So I bought a sewing machine this week for get this...20 bucks! I am getting alot better at being frugal since I am not working and all the burden is on Mark. Now this sewing machine is missing the foot but this is something I can buy for less than 10$. So I have set my mind to learning to sew! I want to make gifts for people instead of going out and buying them something. I think it means more and is something they can hold on to and cherish as I have my maw maws quilts. Well I also have it set in my mind to learn to make things so I can start selling things to earn some money for things that are not necessary. I love to shop and get pedicures, both are things that are no longer in our budget! So I am going to earn myself some spending money...hopefully!

My first craft ( since I haven't learned sewing yet) is a wreath I made. I think it is adorable and is something you could give at a baby shower or take it to the hospital to hang on the door!

Now I also thought I would attempt to make a baby blanket that I didn't have to sew so I tried one of those no sew ones that you see. I made 3 of these kept one for myself and have the other 2 away. My best friend Jennifer said how much it meant to her that I made her something and took the time, Which made me feel like it was totally worth it! Here's a pic:

Now no one may want to buy these things from me and I may make a bunch of em and end up just giving them away but I'm gonna give it a shot! Diaper cakes and sewing projects to come soon!

Brotherly Love

OK seriously Bryant is always keeping me on my toes! He is so full of questions right now and very into helping take care of his brother. So today was filled with wanting to hold his brother ( brother can't hold his own head up yet so you can imagine how dangerous this is).  So you can clearly see little brothers eyes are bugging out of his head cause Bryant will not leave him alone! So today Mason wouldn't stop crying, I couldn't lay him down with out screams! Bryant says to me in a very serious tone, my brother is crying are you going to check on him? So I said well what is wrong with him and he looks me dead in the eye and says I'm sure he is hungry fix a bottle! This child is something else!

Now fast forward to bath time tonight! He pours an entire bottle of Johnsons Lavender Baby Bath in the tub with him! When I walked back in from dressing Mason I was like Bryant Oh no buddy what have u done and he said I tried to make bubbles, I am out of bubble bath. I said this isn't bubble bath its brothers night time soap that costs mommy a fortune! I said what will I do to give brother a bath now and he says very serious, call my mimi (my mom) she is very nice and likes to buy me things she will go to walmart tomm after work! I cracked up and said oh really and he says without missing a beat yeah just call her! WOW what a smarty pants! Now everyone knows I have been so miserable because Mason doesn't sleep at night very well. Well my saving grace has been a swing, the swing died it doesn't work anymore! :( You can imagine my disappointment! I am very interested to know how tonight will play out! Well I am pooped and more adventures await me in a few hours!

Why Mommy???

Bryant has asked me about 500 questions today! I am assuming we are going through a little phase and we are learning so mommy is trying to be patient, however, he is asking questions faster than I can answer them!Tonight as we were getting in the tub I got this series of questions...Mommy why did you leave me to go see Tony's baby at the hospital? Me: Well you wanted to stay with mimi. Bryant: Mommy why does mimi come over and always want to tickle me? Me: Well Bryant she is trying to make u laugh she has done it to me my whole life. Let's get you in the tub. Bryant: No mommy I still have to poop and pee first, Mommy why do you pee with a tootie? Me: Well bryant girls have tooties and boys have wee wee's. Bryant: Mommy why can't Mason get in the tub with me. Me: Well he is too little right now!

As you can imagine this could go on for hours! So after the tub I was in here couponing, my usual Sunday activity after I get the paper. He comes in and sits with me and says mommy I love you. Well I love you too Bryant. He then says your my angel and my best friend I love you 5. I am assuming 5 means ALOT! He then gave me the most precious kiss imaginable and said I'm going to bed with daddy turn that t.v. off and come on! I have days that I want to pull my hair out and days that he makes my heart melt. Children are so much smarter than I realized and you cant pull any tricks with Bryant. I am very blessed to have my boys and cherish my time with them. I know one day they will be all grown up and all I can hope and pray for is we stay close and have a wonderful relationship. I want to get myself or Mark fixed so there will be no more babies but I also feel like it wont be so bad after Mason gets a little bigger but man alive it is tougher having two than I ever imagined!

I thought that working a full time job and managing Bryant was rough, haha yeah right. I am up to my eye balls in laundry and cleaning and feeding and changing and cooking and bath time and wow it never ends and by the time I sit down check my facebook and blog and coupon, well Mason should be screaming anytime now to be fed again! I am exhausted not to mention I am trying to loose weight and walking an hour a day, I am making myself tired just thinking about how busy my days are. And whats worse, I am sitting in my living room looking at ten things I should be up doing! I'm not complaining (ok maybe a little) just venting some frustrations, I am very blessed to get to stay home with my babies. I wouldn't change it for the world!

8 weeks and counting

Well here we are 8 weeks in to having two kids and wow is it more than I ever imagined! The sleep thing is so much better, the first six weeks were horrible, I literally thought it would never end. Now everyday I find a new obsticle to overcome. I have always been one of those people who heard kids screaming in Wal-Mart and thought gosh shut that kid up...Now I am the mom thinking this is so embarrassing, why wont he just act right for 5 minutes? It is so stressful to go out in public, Bryant is at that age where he wants everything he sees and asks a million questions! Don't get me wrong I understand he is just a baby still but sometimes he picks the worst times to decide to misbehave. I feel like everyone is stopping to stare at me. So next time you hear a kid being loud think of that poor mom and how she might be feeling!

I have started my weight loss journey, all those krispy kremes and snickers are a thing of the past...wait no they are still around my waist and thighs! I am now walking an hour a day minimum! The weight is not going anywhere! I am trying to be patient but I want it gone so bad it is becoming an obsession! I will go ahead and admit I have taken some desperate measures, I have been wearing shrink wrap and a girdle. I feel like a crazy person but I will try alot of extremes to wear my clothes again!

Being a mother of two is alot of work! I have to watch Bryant constantly to make sure he isnt hurting Mason because he has no idea when he is being too rough and Mason is so tiny. I feel like I never get things accomplished because as soon as I start something Mason needs to be fed or changed and Bryant needs something to drink, then he is hungry, then he needs to potty and wants me to pull his pants up and then the phone rings and someone wants to chat and then Mason wants to be held and WILL whine until you pick him up! Bryant is very smart and such a handfull! He is changing so much it is so scary to think about him growing up so fast! I still doubt myself as a mother every ten minutes and think should I have said that or done that? I think everyday I am messing up and will one day regret this lol! I always think should I spank him, is that him just being a kid, how do I explain this to him? I sit and ponder these things all the time but all I can do is pray that God will guide me to be the mother he wants me to be! Well enough for now, gotta sleep while Mason is asleep! God Bless!

My first trip to Walmart

I think if you talk to any mom, you will typically find that we had all rather go grocery shopping alone. It is so much easier and faster! Well this is not always possible and today I decided to venture out to Walmart to use some coupons that were about to expire. Yes, I am on a huge kick with my coupons but if you saw how much more stuff we are able to buy now, it would blow your mind! Anyways, I had quite the trip and learned some what not to dos. Bryant is finally potty trained which is great but going to the bathroom in public can sometimes prove to be a job in itself. We head to the restroom when he starts holding it(literally). So after unloading the buggy of my purse diaper bag and newborn we see that it is closed for cleaning, how wonderful! So of course Mason wakes up right after that ordeal and wants a bottle. So picture me taking up tons of space in the isle, newborn screaming, people staring, and Bryant saying mommy lets go look at toys...NOW! Well I dont know if any of you have tried to hold a baby and bottle, while pushing a buggy and answering 100 questions from a toddler but wow it makes for one LONG and exhausting trip! I am so blessed that God gave me the babies he did, they are miracles and though I find myself wanting to cry alot more these days and doubting myself ALOT, I wouldn't change a thing, I am so blessed to have these wonderful boys in my life. I dont deserve them! Its odd to say but I feel lost when I have to leave Bryant for whatever reason, its like I'm missing a part of me. Well I havent really left Mason yet but I can't wrap my head around these moms who dont want or dont raise their kids. I am lost without mine. I have such a different life than I could have ever imagined, but I wouldnt trade the poop diapers, bottles, messes or diasters for any of the things I used to be into. Never a party, club, or dinner has ever compared to these two boys and the love I have for them!

3 weeks in

I am now a mother of two for 3 weeks. Needless to say my life has been flipped upside down! I am no longer snuggling and sleeping late with Bryant, I am up all night with a very fussy, crying Mason and then trying to cat nap on the couch and pray Bryant doesnt tear the house apart. I am very blessed that Bryant is so independant. He will sit in his room and watch a movie orplay with his "mans" as he calls em or do a puzzle. I have kept a terrible headach for days now and shed so many tears it is not even funny. Now I have gone through my fair share of jobs and when we decided to have another baby, I had the thought that maybe this is where I belong, a mom, just raising my kids and taking care of my husband. maybe that is why I never felt like any job suited me. Well I am by no means a wonderful extraordinary mother, but I really do love being with my boys all the time. Knowing I am raising them, shaping and molding them and teaching them, it makes me really happy! Now I am no over the top momma who uses cloth diapers, makes my own baby food and breast feeds. Don't get me wrong I tried breast feeding but it was hard, I am not a big fan of popping the boob out in front of people and to be honest the pain of sore nipples and a starving child going to town on em, well it's not the wonderful bonding experience you think it will be. Did I mention when they are full and he is asleep and your in so much pain or he is crying and ur leaking milk every where? So these moms who do cloth diapers to save the environment and money...kudos I salute you. I am not a huge fan of poop and an even bigger fan of not having to try to figure out what to do with mushy newborn poop. Like seriously where do you put it, obviously the toilet but like then you have to try to get it all off and wash it and I'm sure that I dont want my clothes washed with poop! Motherhood with two is soooo different from just one. I hope that by getting back to my blogging, I can get everything off my chest and keep my sanity!

Adventures in motherhood

OMG this has been very stressful, very overwhelming week for me! Mason our newest addition has gone through having his days and nights mixed up to finding out he is allergic to milk! So needless to say I am exhausted! I havent gotten any sleep and there is somethig very emotional about a baby that wont stop crying at 5 am! I have been a basket case! I have felt every emotion possible! I have gone from guilt to anger to overwhelming amounts of stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation! It has been a whirlwind! I am very emotional and I still feel like Mason loves his daddy more! Things are so crazy when you feel like that baby should want his mommy and nothing will calm him down except his dad who has work and cant sit up with him! It has been a little overwhelming. I am hoping for it to all calm down sooN!

What's Important

When you loose someone you sit and think about how short life is and how you are not promised a tommorrow. I hope that I don't ever take my husband or babies for granted. I have changed so much over the past few years, I can't imagine my life without my babies. My outlook on life and priorities are so different than they have ever been. Bryant lights up my life with his smile and laugh. That baby is so smart, he amazes me! We can sit and do puzzles and he sings to me and he can count and say his alphabet and even though these are things I hear him do many times a day, it always makes me smile. I am so proud of everything he does, he really has changed my life. Mason is kinda still just chillin out not doin to much but just holding him and having him here with us, makes me melt. God has blessed us in so many ways. I am not a perfect mother by any means, I am sure I fall short so many times a day and without Mark helping me sometimes I don't know how I'd make it! There is no better feeling in this world than the love between me, Mark, and these babies! I am such a lucky woman to have such an awesome husband. Mark is a very special person, he has overcome so much in his life and is truly one of the best people I have ever known! He is a wonderful father, these boys are so lucky! I have had numerous jobs in my life but the best decision I have ever made is staying home to raise my boys. I can honestly say I am in love with 3 boys. They have rocked my world and I will never be the same! I hope that everyone can one day experience having a child and the true love that comes with it!

It's Been a While

I have had alot going on and have totally stopped blogging for a while now. I look at my blog as a way of getting things off my chest so I am going to try to not slack off so much, I think it's good for the soul and everyone keeps messaging me saying whered ur blog go lol! So My little guy is finally here. Mason was born June 28th and he is amazing! I am so in love with this little guy! Today is a sad day, we have a death in the family. RIP Jeffrey! Our cousin died yesterday morning, such a sad loss, I have such a special place in my heart for bee bop, i loved that kid! Well ok so enough for now Mason is waking up, more later I promise!

Pregnancy Week 34

So things are tough right now. I am miserable and wanting Mason to be here soooo bad. I have been up all night. I think I literally worried myself sick so I have had no sleep and lots of close calls running to throw up. I am stressing out over money, bills and the fact that I am about to have a baby! I have a little too much on my plate right now and the funny thing is there is nothing I can do to control one bit of it so it is kind of pointless to be so worried. I am just an OCD worrier! I always have been! I get stressed so easy I need to let it be and let God take control of it! It'll all work itself out. I am going to try to be more positive and think about the fact that I have my family and we are healthy. I lost an old friend back 2 weeks ago in Afganistan. He left behind a wife and 6 month old. That really helps put into perspective how life is so short and should be cherished. I find myself getting frustrated with bryant more lately...I think because I am so miserable with this heat and the pregnancy and the other day I yelled at him because he would listen to me and that baby came and put his hands on my face and said mommy dont scream we dont act like that then he said i was his baby and ran off to play! I really have no grasp of people who either dnt want their kids or abuse them. I get frustrated with mine but I love that baby more than anything! Kids are blessings from God that enrich your life and make it better not to hold you back or be a burden. We are struggling with what we will do after this baby is born if we want more and the truth is I think I do. This pregnancy has been rough but I want a big family and I want to live to be old and grey and experience everything with these kids. I can't wish their childhoods away of course but I know it'll be an adventure!

Uncertainty

There are so many things as a parent that you question. I wonder if I am potty training the right way. I wonder if I should put him in pre-school or let him stay home with me because he has enough years of school as it is. I wonder if the way I disipline is right or wrong. I have feelings of guilt that we are not going to church and he is not being exposed to religion the way he should be. I wonder if I let him watch too much t.v. I question myself all the time and wonder if I am doing the best I can. Now I wonder how having this baby is going to impact Bryant and how I am going to keep things fair for him. Well now I have a new issue. Things have hit a crossroads with my mother ( read any previous blogs to see some background if you have questions) and she has been asked not to come back to our house. Bryant is too young to understand the negative impact she is having on him. All he knows is that she is his mimi and he loves her. She has basically made it clear that she has no feelings for me her own daughter or my husband that she is only here to see Bryant. She is rude, hateful, and disrespectful here in my own house. Mark has every right to say he works his butt off for this family and there is no reason for her to be here if she is just going to cause stress and drama for us. So Bryant has no means of understanding this. He keeps asking where she is and why he can't see her. I don't know the right way to explain to him whats going on. I am heartbroken for him. He is so sad sometimes and gets tears asking for her. When she is here she has told him not to be nice or share with the new baby. She has taught him that she is a good guy and we are bad guys.She tells him not to let his cousins and friends play with his toys. She has gone as far as trying to turn him against Mark's mother. She is a very unhappy miserable person and wants all those around her to be the same way. I am worrying myself about this so much just because I don't know the impact this may have on him. I remember my mawmaw and all I have is great memories, I love all the times I spent with her and I credit her with most of my raising and shaping me into the person I became. My mother and I have never been very close I was always very close with my daddy's mother. I want Bryant to have someone in his life to influence him and shape him the way she did me. I am stressed that I won't handle this the correct way. So for now I am trying to not mention anything unless he brings it up and say as little as possible. I can only hope that she will wake up one day and want to put down the beer and choose to put family first. I don't know what makes me think this since I am 26 and the beer has been first for 26 years but one can always hope.

Pregnancy Week 28

Well this pregnancy is going by faster than I realized. I go Monday for my sugar test...boo needles are no fun! Then within the next 10 or so weeks my son is going to be here. Mark and I were talking about it today and we realized how we have not prepared like we should. We have nothing bought and so we are gonna have to get on the ball! Mason is very active right now but causing me a lot of discomfort because he is so big already that he is giving me no room to breathe or expand after I eat. We tried going for a walk after dinner tonight to try and help me with digestion. Little things that you seem to take for granted become so apparent when your pregnant. I can't jump on the trsmpoline with Bryant or fit on most things lol. I can't breathe to walk far much less run. I can't sleep on my belly or back. I can't eat as much at a time because then I am miserable for hours...I spend a lot of time being miserab;e by the way! Bryant is being so sweet right now about his baby brother. He tells him goodnight and thinks about him when drinking or eating and at bath time. He has a ton of questions unanswered running through that little head of his. He will make a wonderful big brother I think. I have still got to get the nursery together which sounds easier than it is going to be. It is currently our storage room so there's lots of stuff that is going to have to find a new home! I am a little nervous about trying to go full term with this baby. I went two weeks over with my son because of a fear of being induced. I am not scared this time I just want to have him and know he is healthy. I am more worried about another 9 lb. baby and the pain of having a 9 lb. baby mixed with the stitches. I can't wait til he is here so I can meet him. I have so many questions in my head, I want to see how he will be different from Bryant, his personality, his looks. I'm very ready to meet my new little man!

R.I.P.

Death is very hard for me. I guess this is mainly due to losing my daddy at the age of nine. I then lost my mawmaw who was probably closer to me than my own mother at 18. I don't deal well with death, it is very scary for me and holds so many uncertainties. Tonight I went to the funeral home to show support for Jason a boy I graduated with that lost his 4 month old son. I am beyond heartbroken. I can not imagine losing Bryant, heck I haven't even met Mason yet and I'd lose it if something happened to him. I have been laying in bed for an hour trying to dose off and all I keep thinking about is how scary death is. How permanent, and scary. I am terrified to even imagine losing my babies or my babies growing up without me or Mark. I always felt lost and empty not having my daddy around. I have wondered for so many years what it would have been like to have a daddy to hug me and hold me and see me off to prom or walk me down the isle and I will never know those feelings. I have only the few memories that remain from childhood of what a wonderful and loving man he was. He was by no means perfect but still a wonderful man in my eyes. My heart aches thinking about my boys not knowing their daddy. You see my husband suffered his first heart attack at age 27. This runs in his family and he was putting too much stress on himself by working full time and going to school to better our future. My son woke him up at 4 a.m. and possibly saved his life by doing so. I will never forget the pain and the fear of being told your husband has suffered a heart attack I am going to need you to sign some papers. It was all a bit of a blur but the thought flashed back into my head of the morning we found daddy, that morning will live with me forever! I don't have a good relationship with my mother and may never but the fact that she lost her husband is something I will never understand or comprehend or so I hope I never have to do. I don't know what that did to her to change her I just know she has never been the same. I know you hear about people who pick up and carry on but I am just at a lost as to how you do that. I am having a really hard time feeling ready for the end it is all so scary for me. I DO NOT WATCH MOVIES ABOUT THE END OF THE EARTH, 2012 SCARES THE POO OUT OF ME! I guess I don't feel ready which is my own fualt I need to get right with GOD and be prepared, I need my family to be prepared! It's the whole idea of not being here anymore it makes me sick thus being awake at midnight blogging hoping to make myself sleepy! Different topic might have been better to get my mind off thing huh? I hope that this all helps me to not take my family for granted and I hope for anyone who takes time to read this you do the same. We are not promised tommorrow so kiss your babies and love them with all your heart, and don't argue with your spouses just hug em and tell em you love em!

Where do they learn that?

Okay my son amazes me everyday, in one way or another. He is so sweet and smart and charming. It really opens my eyes when I sit back and listen to him and see the world through the eyes of a two year old. He wakes up every morning with such a cheerful attitude and says wake up mommy, I need my sippy cup full, open your eyes. Then he lays and rubs my arm and hugs and gives me kisses and loves on me for at least thirty minutes before he wants to get up. I just love that time of day with him. It's just like bedtime when he tells us he loves us and good night sweet dreams. He doesn't have a care in the world no bills, no stress but his heart is so full of love and he is constantly learning and growing. He cracks me up with this whole potty training thing, he has discovered peeing off the porch. Now if you are from the south this is probably totally normal, not to say that we havent gotten quite a few laughs out of the neighbors but my son has decided he needs to be completely naked in order to pee. So the routine now goes mommy I'm going to to pee on the porch, and then strips down butt naked to pee on my azaleas! It is hilarious and very cute, as long as this isnt a habit he keeps up for years to come. I am amazed by how smart my son is, I know everyone is the same way about their kids its natural. But like little things, he is 2 and can tell me that an 18 wheeler says Wal-Mart on the side, that's awesome. He knows all his colors, he can count and say the alphabet when he wants to. I am just so proud of him. Enough for now, I am still puny from the virus. More later.

Pregnancy Week 27

So this has been a tough week. Not trying to scare anyone who may be reading this and pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant, but this week has been awful! My pregnancy with Bryant was a walk in the park compared to this one, I'm not sure if that's a sign of what's to come but for my sake I hope not! I started out with tons of swelling, we are talking cankles and marshmellow fingers, followed up with a virus like no other virus. I got sick and have been in bed for two straight days. My husband has been wonderful, he took off work stayed home to watch Bryant and babied me 24-7. I mean literally he was up in the middle of the night trying to make me drink so I wouldn't dehydrate. I am so realizing the hot alabama weather is here and the next two months are gonna be miserable for me...okay it's three but gah I wish it was only two. I can't wait to meet my little man growing inside of me, but the idea of sleeping again...yeah I know that's not gonna happen for a long time! I'm debbie downer today still very weak from all the barfing! More later, gotta try to eat and drink now to get my strength back!

Mommy Issues

First let me start by saying Happy Easter! This week has been hard for me because I get sad that we don't have family to spend holidays with and I let it get me down and out. I love the idea of going to a big family get together, Bryant hunting eggs with all his cousins, all of us women cooking and the guys throwing football. Well this is all a fantasy that I have created in my head. It's just me and Mark and Bryant. Not that that isn't good enough, I guess I am greedy and just want more!I see that there are those of you out there who have this! Mark has the big family, they just...well honestly I guess they are just too lazy and selffish to all get together and do anything, or they know it will in one way or another turn into a huge drama as it always happens with his family. Not trying to bash em but if you know them you understand, give them an hour someone will be into it. Never fails, it's like clock work! So with that said today my mother said Happy Easter and started to tell me how sad it is that there will be no big Easter dinner, so I replied with this is not my fault I have been depressed about it all week, I'd love to have a get together. She proceeds to tell me how it's all my fault that me and her have such a crap relationship. That I as a child betrayed her and caused her to not have feeling for me. This is a very touchy and painful subject as well as very personal and I am a little scared of laying all this out here for you all but I need to get it off my chest and I suppose this may help in some way. My mom and I have always been strained, when my father passed in 1992 it has only gotten worse. She moved another man in our house within less than a year of my father passing and did I mention it was one of his friends. Felt like the ultimate betrayal topped off by the fact that he was one of the worst human beings I have ever known. She and I suffered years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse only to be abandoned as soon as my fathers social security checks ran out and he realized the free ride was over. With out going into too much detail those 7 years were the worst of my life. I am not trying to sound like a cry baby. I know alot of people have to overcome stuff in their lives and yes it has made me smarter, stronger, and an over comer. However, if I could go back and change anything this whole series of events would definitely be rewritten! I may regret that due to the fact that it very well may change who I have become I also think it would probably result in a lot of positive changes and a lot of undue stress in my life. I can truly say with out doubt I have tons of resentment toward my mother for allowing my youth to be so completely screwed up by this man as well as herself. I have alot of anger toward him and her and I don't know how to let it go. I would like to say I have moved on but in a lot of ways I haven't. The events that occurred in those years have permanently scarred and changed me forever. I really don't know that my mother and I will ever have a relationship. I hate that but it is fact. I work hard to make sure Bryant and I are super close and I hope I don't over do it in hopes of achieving a great relationship with him. I don't know that I will ever forgive my mother, i think the fact that she shows very little regret for those years along with the fact that she blames me for her problems when I was only a child, keeps this a little bit of an open wound! I get very resentful and angry that a man was put before me. This is a touchy subject for me when I see others doing it today because my heart goes out to the children of divorce or death, if you start to date it hard not to get wrapped up in that person. I think it is just so important to remember the children, it can be something they live with forever that can scar and change them permanently. I guess my idea of normal is a fantasy and part of why I am a t.v. addict. I get some warped sense of what family is from the television shows. But it gives me hope and desire to achieve that in my own life eventually. I am in no way trying to wish life away,I want to learn to appreciate life and live it to the fullest. I am blessed to have a healthy happy smart little boy and another on the way. I just have to try to put the past behind me and learn from my mothers mistakes. I have been told by several friends I am not my mother and I know that's true but I also know I am part of her and I worry so much about her traits coming out in me. I know that's part of the reason as soon as my hair gets a little red in it I am running for the drug store for dye because I hate for anyone to say you look just like your mother. Enough complaining for now I guess. It is Easter and I have eggs to dye! Happy Holidays to all of you. Love and cherish your families, and if you have a great relationship with your mom, call her and tell her thank you. Then thank God for it and pray for those of us out there who don't!!!!!!!!

Pregnancy Week 26

So 26 weeks doesn't sound like long in the grand scheme of things considering I went 42 with Bryant. I am so swollen today, fingers, toes, legs, you name it! I am pretty miserable today. My back is hurting so bad! I dont mean to be a cry baby. I am so lucky that God is giving me the chance to bring life into this world and I am so blessed, I am just so uncomfortable right now it is hard to be positive. It's 80 outside and beautiful and I want nothing more than to be outside playing but I am sitting in the house with my feet elevated trying to get the swelling down so I don't end up in the hospital! Bryant is the most amazing kid, he is so smart and funny and sweet. I told him mommy doesn't feel good and he said mommy I will hold your hand when you get a shot at the doc doc just be a big girl. He then gave me a kiss and said I love you mommy I will go to the doc doc with you and brother. I am going for now too swollen and miserable to type. Wish me luck!

Self Esteem

I think self esteem is so important in girls.It can be a huge reason for girls getting sexually active at a young age as well as trying to fit in and follow the crowd. I know these things are true because it describes me at 18. I hung out with people who I shouldn't have and did things that weren't really what I wanted to be doing because I wanted so badly to fit in. I was your run of the mill dork in high school. I had crooked teeth, frizzy hair and jeans that were made for the flood. I was tall and skinny and had no boobs or other assets. I've mentioned my step dad in some of my other blogs, he was the total package...if your looking for a total loser that needs to be shot! I was told daily that I was fat, looked like a poodle, a stick, you name it I heard it. So as you can imagine I dated guys who I wasn't even attracted to just because I was so shocked someone was interested in me! Well as time went on and I got older I met a girl who changed my life. She was my best friend, a co-worker, and eventually my roommate. She was tall and thin and gorgeous. Every guy stopped to give her a second look and she was so confident. She carried herself so well, I was so amazed.I eventually could walk in a bar and dance, and flirt, and meet people and feel like it was okay and I wasn't a huge nerd. She helped me socialize and feel like I deserved to be looked at by guys. I ended up dating and hanging out with better looking and more interesting guys that were actually the type I was interested in. So I feel like I learned alot from her because she always had something positive to say to me, she helped me get over a lot of the negativity that had been brought on in my teen years. Well now I have never totally overcome those issues...trust me ask anyone who knows me. I struggle with this everyday. I am never totally satisfied with myself, I'm always trying to color, cut and style my hair differently to keep from getting that...OMG you look just like your mother (trust me this is NOT a compliment, you make me cry) So I have found as I have gotten older and had my son my weight gain didn't just fall off. Lots of people said oh you look great your the same size. Well I am definitely not. I actually am like 3 sizes bigger in jeans now than when my husband and I started dating and now being pregnant again...it's not good my weight is on my mind pretty much all the time. I have already gained 20 lbs. and have 3 more months left to go. I think that with all the celebrities and the plastic surgery and the images the media puts out there about what's hot and what's sexy...it's hard to feel good about yourself. I am having those issues now, always feeling fat, always feeling inadequate. I want to look good for my husband and kids. I am working on this issue and may never totally get past all my issues but I feel like there are insecurities with most all of the women I know so maybe I am not the only one!

Common Courtesy

It's 2010 I get it, I'm hip. However I live in the south, in the boon sticks! There are no red lights where I live, the 4 way stop is it for us. We thought we hit it big with our McDonald's. With that said, you would think living in the country people would be kind and neighborly and courteous! Not the case with my newest neighbors. Their dog has been barking now for oh I'd say about 3 months straight! Tonight I am going nuts, I am 25 weeks pregnant, can't sleep as it is and my husband has to be up for work at 2:45 AM!!! It is now 11:06 PM we are all wide awake listening to this stupid dog bark! The police just left giving me nothing but advice on how to handle the situation legally and wishing he could do something! I have had it with the barking. We have contacted the home owners, we have had the police over to their house 4 times for the dog breaking out of the fence and chasing my fat pregnant self. Where does it end? How do they sleep? It's a large bulldog not a tiny little poodle. This is no squeak people. We are talking loud as heck and the most annoying sound in Snead tonight! I am at a loss. I now have to go battle the whole dang town council to get these ordinances in place to be able to sleep at night! This is ridiculous! I am a law abiding tax paying citizen! I am only asking for whats fair and descent for me and my family! I really don't think I am being unreasonable to ask that I am allowed a good nights sleep in my own home! Is anyone with me on this? I know in my heart I am not being unreasonable. This is just plain ole southern hospitality mixed with a little common courtesy and plain ole good neighbor policy! Have some respect for those around you!

Pregnancy Week 25

OMG so this baby is obviously very active and very big. I am totally feeling it, having trouble breathing and doing my daily activity. I tried walking today and I realized exactly how bad out of shape I am as well as how rough the next couple of months are going to be. This weather is fabulous but with warm gorgeous weather comes the need to wear shorts...something my legs are definitely not ready for. The sad part though? I tried to wear my maternity shorts from Bryant and they are too tight! This is horrible and seriously brought me to tears with the realization that not only did I gain and keep the weight on from Bryant I have already packed on 20lbs in this pregnancy.So I guess I have got to start eating a little better and getting a lot more active! Sleeping is a lot harder now, getting comfortable is so hard but then throw the whole having to pee every couple hours in the mix and it is a bad combination. Bryant is still sleeping with us which I know I have got to start working on because I have got to have him potty trained and out of the bed with us within the next say 15 weeks...this is way harder than any full time job lol! I am having numbness and tingling in my legs from Mason laying on my nerve. I have constant heartburn or indigestion. Did I mention I asked for this? I wanted another baby so that Bryant wouldn't grow up like me an only child who was lonely. So another summer baby which means I get the pleasure of the next couple of very hot and humid Alabama weather. Oh well the countdown is on!

Teenagers...barely

I know I am just full of stuff to blog about today but I have got to get this off my chest and I totally think some of you will agree. I do not have a teenager myself but I have nieces and cousins and friends kids and I have got to say this. What in the heck has happened to these little girls being little girls? Since when did 13 year old date? And have you been to the mall lately on the weekend? What are they wearing? I am reading their myspace and facebooks and they are saying they are in love and I have seriously read...He is my everything, my lover and my best friend...excuse me Why are their moms not reading this stuff? I know you can't keep tabs on every second of a kids day but I am so appalled by the things these kids are doing and saying on front of their parents. It's like they act like they are 21 and no one is trying to make them be kids. That's how these young girls are getting pregnant. When a 13 year old is sitting and saying to their friends and everyone on the internet that they are in love he is my everything, I'm so glad I have someone to hold. I am so sickened by all of this. It's crazy to me. I am so scared for my babies to grow up and this be the way these girls are acting. Have they heard of STD's, pregnancy, or any of the other crap out there? Of course not because they are little girls. Marks niece was pregnant at 14. This is real, it is happening in our own backyards...well hopefully not literally...we will rephrase... this is happening in our communities. I don't have the answers but this sucks!

My relationship with my mother

My past with my mother is a long and complicated chain of events that has very few happy parts and lots of pain and emotional turmoil. I lost my daddy at 9 and it was kind of down hill after that for me and her. I love her don't get me wrong she is my mother but we have never had that bond. We don't get along, we don't have the same views or opinions on anything. So basically its rocky at best.The step dad from hell thing for 7 years didn't really do anything to aid in our getting closer, the late night trips to the ER and visits from DHR were of no help either! Here's my thing, she loves my son! Like she seriously acts like he is the best and most important thing in her life. That's great but I'm her real actual daughter, she had me, like birthed me, raised me, etc. She comes in my house and doesn't even speak to me, like walks in and ignores me like I don't exist! She calls to talk to my son and if he is say napping or whatever she just hangs up! She has these issues where she wants to control me and everything in my life. If I say black she says white, so she wants to be the boss here at my house and it like infuriates me! I don't know where to draw the line...like I ask her to not say or do certain things in front of Bryant to influence him it just makes her do it more. So I feel like no matter what the situation no matter what I say to her it turns into an argument. It's so hard because I don't have a relationship with her. She doesn't want to accept that we are having another baby. She has made fun of the name we picked. I don't understand why I lost my daddy and then had to have such a crappy maternal bond but those are questions that I will never have answers to. So to try and live in the here and now and trying to be an adult and good mother to my own babies and not hold a grudge...it's all proving to make no difference to her at all. I am very confused by the whole situation, I am at a total loss for how to handle this. I would go into detail but trust me I could write a book. So if any of you have any advice or insight into how to handle this I am totally open to all options. And just so you know we have already thought about moving, attack dogs, and whitness relocation...they all seem a little drastic lol! I am trying to make light of this but in all seriousness this is a source of constant pain and stress for me. I think most anybody would agree with me that you value your relationship with your mothers. Your suppose to look to them for guidance and support and encouragement. I sometimes wonder if she resents me or hates me even. I use all the bad ugly negative things I have gone through with her as examples of how I want to do things different in my own parenting of my boys. I never want them to feel the way I have felt over the years it is so painful and it makes you feel so alone! Sorry to be Debby Downer today, she and I had a huge fight and I just can't shake it. She knows exactly what to say and do to get under my skin!

Motherhood

Okay so let me start out by saying I freak in love being a mother! It's like the most wonderful feeling in the world for my son to hug me and say I love you mommy, your my baby. It seriously makes me melt! With that being said I didn't always want to be a mom. I haven't always had the best relationship with my mother..like basically our good times stopped when my dad died we never could connect she says its cause we are so much alike, I along with others have a different opinion but enough about that for now. I got a little wild after high school lots of drinking away my sorrows and what not. So I was a free spirit, very rebellious, and a spontaneous person.I was a good time lol but not responsible! So when I met Mark after the couple of years of travel, partying, and general freedom we decide we would like to have kids and don't want to prevent anymore. In comes my little man Bryant on the scene! Best choice I have ever made! It hasn't always been easy, in fact right after I had him I wanted to go back to work, I thought this kid hates me. Well he eventually came around and so did I and now I couldn't imagine life without him! I am also looking forward to the arrival of Mason Tyde a.k.a. Baby Brother as Bryant refers to him! With all this being said...some women should not have children. It is a huge responsibility! It is life changing..O and P.S. it's forever! I am definitely no saint or perfect mother but if you are too dumb for birth control...motherhood might not be your thing. I have witnessed some pretty crappy things lately going on with people I am related to and acquainted with and it makes me sick! If you have a baby whether you are 16 or 26, that baby is number one! That means it goes where you go, it eats before you eat, you do whatever is necessary to make sure it is cared for 100%. Boyfriends, parties, and socialization are all in last place! Your mother is not responsible for raising your baby cause you couldn't keep your clothes on. Your siblings, baby daddy, or baby daddy's momma is not your babysitter for you to have "me time". I'm not saying no one ever needs me time, heck I could use 10 min a day..that's why moms pee so much lol! When your baby calls her maw maw mommy cause she don't see you enough that's a problem. When you had rather stay out all night partying or sleeping over at some dudes house..that's a problem. I am so sickened seeing kids that need shoes or clothes or something paid for at school and I hear a parent say I'm broke we can't afford it...hey your holding a pack of Marlboro's that's 4$ at least...or 4 shirts from a yard sale for your kid! People need to look at their priorities and WAKE UP!!! I'm sorry for the gripe, this is my outlet for venting and you don't have to agree with me but this seems to be a common sense thing for me, everything I just said here is logical and practical..in my opinion...feel free to correct me if you feel I am wrong! But these kids are the ones suffering, I couldn't sleep at night thinking I put myself before my kids. They are my life. I am very sickened by some things I have witnessed lately, things that hit pretty close to home and I just pray that these kids get a fair shot and don't get kipped cause their moms suck. They didn't ask to be born! Thanks for reading and Happy Parenting!

Living the Dream

So Mark and I had such a wonderful romance in the beginning we kind of over did it on the spending. We put ourselves in some pretty serious debt. We had some help from hospital bills along the way from his past( no fault of his own, he was a junior in high school)Anyway...we have overcome bankruptcy (yes I know I am 26 he is 28 and your thinking Bankruptcy?) but it was totally necessary! We liked to travel eat out and shop like insane people and use credit cards for it all when we were like 21 and morons! So we are now getting past that and have made a home for ourselves. We finally have nice things that we have worked very hard to get and couldn't be happier. We have learned some very hard and expensive life lessons! But I honestly feel like it has made us stronger and smarter and now we are debt free. So we are trying to be more like Dave Ramsey lol! Anyway if I can be of any advice to anyone out there please head my warnings...credit cards are the devil..paying for it later is a horrible idea and if you can't pay cash you really don't need it that bad you can save and wait for later, and who knows maybe it'll go on sale or you'll get a coupon lol! Anyway I learned a very valuable lesson today! I would like to share this with all of you! At a local store in our lovely Gadsden Mall (it will remain nameless I can't afford a lawsuit lol)my husband and I purchased a bed in a bag set which in all cost us 250 after curtains and tax. Well we get it home and realize that 250$ DOES NOT include sheets! Come on really???? So after returning it and getting our money back we make a little trip over to TJ Maxx...can I just say that's the smartest thing I have done all week? After a week straight of searching for nursery bedding I not only got all my nursery bedding I also got a complete bed in a bag that was just as nice if not nicer all for the grand total of 175$. So lesson learned...well it's totally obvious! By taking that one simple trip into another store I got bedding for 2 rooms instead of one and I am so much happier..so is my husband! So I went to the doctor today for my check up and gained another ten pounds... I gotta go eat some ice cream all this weight gain has me hungry! lol By the way this will not be funny in 4 months when I am fat as a cow and crying over not loosing the weight! Good Night ALL!

Family

So family is a funny thing. Little back ground on me...only child well kinda daddy had kids with previous marriages and they were way older than me so I have never lived in the house with either of them and they've never really been in my life.So my daddy passed away when I was nine and I got stuck with the crappiest step dad in the history of crappy step dads trust me...if you were in my life from 10-16 you totally understand! So after all the years of mental and physical abuse of my mother and I he exits stage right in a very dramatic scene like something in a movie! So fast forward a couple years my mother has completely isolated herself from her family and took me along for that ride! So then we have my dads family...they pretty much hate her cause she was 20 years younger than my dad and then a year after he dies she brings one of his best friends to live on my daddy's family's land where we live..u get the picture. So my mom and I have a complicated relationship at best. I know she is the only family I have because my daddy's brother threw us off the family land about a week after my maw maw passed away(RIP u were my only ali in that whole crazy thing and I owe you so much)So here I am no family on either side that want me in their lives. Let's just say Christmas and Thanksgiving were very depressing for me sitting home cooking huge meals for me and my mom. Anyway we have a rocky relationship like I said neither of us agree with the other on anything and I mean anything...any of you who know me at all have a full understanding of what things are like for us. If I say white she says black etc... So when I met Mark I thought that it was so wonderful that he had sisters and cousins and a huge family. So I adopted them as my own and surrounded myself with them for holidays and any time I could. I was trying to fill a void! Well lets first say I understand this is not little house on the prairie and life is not sunshine and roses in real life! But I have this hope, dream, or false image in my head of holidays, birthdays, and BBQ surrounded by all these people and its so fun and loving and normal! Now lets wake up to the real world and say that 9 times out of ten they are all at each others throats! So I wake up from my la la land I have created in my head and realize that my friends are my family! They are who I turn to for support, comfort, and love! They are who I call to share all my exciting news, who I invite over for dinners, BBQ and birthdays or a nice quiet night of Wii. So to all of those friends and you know who you are I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me through everything, for listening to me when I need to vent, and for making me smile! You will never know how much you all mean to me!

Nesting

I am about to be in my 3rd trimester. I have a very clear memory of my last trimester with Bryant. I couldn't get things clean enough. I seriously shampooed the carpets in our house like 20 times in one week cause i said I will not bring a baby home until the water comes out of this machine as clean as it went in! Well I am in that same frame of mind with this baby! All I can do is try to hang up clothes and rearrange and decorate and shop online for things that I feel like I have to have today. I have until the end on June at least but it seems like if I don't have the items I will bust. So I have Bryant a comforter ordered for his bed it wont be here til the 25th neither will his bookshelf or the other 3 things I ordered..but wait did you notice I said Bryants...yeah I am freaking out about the nursery but totally unable to come up with a theme so I am putting all this time and energy into Bryant's room. So it is now painted, has a new bed and armiore, comforter and bookshelf ordered and on the way. But my poor baby Mason, I can't decide on a bedding set for him so therefore his room can't be painted. And his beds not put together and his room is still the junk room it is piled full of everything I need to put in a yard sale and get rid of! I can't wait for the next warm weekend we have because I am having a huge yard sale! But for now I have to stop obsessing and nesting and relax! Easier said than done!

Who makes the desions?

Okay this is a total gripe session but today I made a trip to the health dept. Everybody knows thats no fun. However, I need WIC for this new baby because if you haven't bought formula in a while it is outrageous! So as I am sitting and talking to one of the nurses I got hit with anger. Let me lay this out for you and see if you can see where I am coming from. My hubby is a correctional officer, great job that he loves but we are by no means rolling in the dough! So for our health insurance he pays 55$ a week. Well let's say that one of us gets sick which was the case today ( Mark has the flu). So he goes to the dr, pays a 30$ co-pay so that's 85$ this week out of our pocket! Well then there are lab fees that's 9$. Okay then lets talk prescriptions. Tamiflu 87$ Do you see how easily we were out 200$ in one day. Now let's talk about all the poeple lined up at the health dept. to get their free health care, no co-pays, no lab fees, oh wait and free prescriptions! Most of them don't even have jobs, Now don't get me wrong I am more than happy to see a single mom who may be struggling in there getting help for herself or kids. There are poeple out there who really are down on their luck and I have no problem with them getting these things for free. But when you have 5 kids and 5 seperate baby daddys and you don't work have free health care, WIC, and food stamps, free rent and who knows what else...well you can see why I have no problem getting my free WIC when my hisband works and pays taxes and it angers me to shell out 200$ for him to have the flu! It seems so unfair and unjust! Who makes these laws and rules? They obviously don't see the big picture. Let's throw some more money into a bailout for some corporate idiot who makes over a million a year. That makes way more logic doesn't it? Okay well enough griping for one night! Good Night!

Discipline

Discipline is a complicated thing for me with my 2 year old. When he goes into a time out all I hear is " I won't do it no more...can I get up now?" Then when he is told no he flings himself around like a crazy person crying for 60 seconds or so before inevitably saying" I won't do it no more...can I get up now?" Spankings get his attention but then I end up feeling bad because he is so fair complected if I ever get an inch of skin it turns red and I internally freak out that I've left a mark on my child. It's a really difficult thing being a parent. You want your child to be well behaved all the time but especially in public or in group settings. I was always one of those people who judged parents in public for various disciplines...when now I see everyone does it different. I always try to make my son stay quiet and be polite in public places like restaurants but the truth is the older he gets the louder and more disobedient he has become! It's hard to see other kids acting out, screaming, and running around but tell him he can't. He doesn't understand why he can't do what they are doing. I am not a huge fan of spanking in public but if he really does something I don't like hes gonna get it whether we are alone or 50 people are standing around. I want to raise a child that is "restaurant trained" as my friends call it, and also has very good manners and is over all well behaved. I know he is only 2 and this may sound like asking a lot but you can't wait til their out of control and say oh yeah I think we are gonna start making you mind today! So for now I am at a total power struggle with discipline and exactly how it should be handled.

Etiquette

Etiquette for dogs doesn't seem to be something established in my community! When you sneeze or cough or hold a door open for someone..there are so many times a day that you use etiquette for so many different things. When your a pet owner I think you should use your manners! My neighbor has a chain link huge fence surrounding his house, you know what's in it? Not his 5 dogs! My yard is covered in poop, they have eaten a pair of 75$ shoes off of my porch, a 50$ jacket of my sons, and a baby toy of my unborn! I have had it! I've asked the guy to do something and he refused to do anything. So what do I do? The normal answer would be the humane society but I live in the most rural backwoods place that believe it or not in 2010 does not have a leash law, nuscence ordinance or anything to protect my rights! I am so furious about this! I really feel like it is my yard if I leave shoes on my porch then they should be there when I return...did I mention they wouldn't be on the porch if my husband hadn't stepped in poop due to his dogs? My sons play area looks like a poop palace for the neighbors dogs...what to do... I am off to ponder my options!